Dare to Ask: Why call your parents to complain about your spouse?

By Phillip Milano

The Florida Times-Union

Question

I've never understood why people get married, then call their mom or dad and complain about their spouse rather than talk to their spouse. Why? Do they expect mom or dad to rush over and spank the spouse?

David, Seattle

Replies

No one knows you like your parents. They should offer unconditional love, and a child, even an adult, should feel safe calling them. Since the parents know your history, they can see things from the perspective of time, experience and intimate knowledge of the "child." -- Anne, 49, Indianapolis

It's more likely they complain to their parents to hear them say "Oh, that's awful!" or something similar so they can feel more justified about what they think their spouse is doing wrong. -- Craig, 21, Duncan, Canada

Some people have issues with confrontation. It's difficult for them to say to their spouse, "We have to talk." Sometimes they need that third party to help them figure out how to do that. If you're the spouse of someone who does this, it's ironic you posted this rather than ask your spouse. -- Shelly, 49, Pennsylvania

Expert says

The problem is, you call your parents and wear them down with some convoluted enigma about your spouse. What do you do the next night, when they're completely drained and can't even begin to address your endless confusion over why people still watch "Lost"?

But since people really do call their folks with mate problems, we rang up Scott Haltzman, a Brown University professor of psychiatry whose books include "The Secrets of Happily Married Women" and "The Secrets of Happily Married Men."

People usually marry someone who they feel "thinks we're awesome and wonderful" and sees us for our unique abilities, he said. Then when that little thrill gets rolled because of standard conflict issues, to whom do we turn?

"The person who does and has always met our needs: the parents," Haltzman said.

That's OK if you have a positive, mature relationship with the folks, in which they see you for your warts and all. But if they have an unrealistic sense that you can do no wrong, your partner will likely feel he or she is being painted in a bad light, he said. Your parents may get a permanent "attitude" about your loved one.

"For example, recently a woman came to me who felt her husband was not attentive. She moved out to her parents' house. They cocooned around her and protected her and wound up feeling her husband was a jerk. Then he started to work on the marriage, and her parents were upset when she moved back in with him. That's how divisiveness happens in side-taking."

It might be best to lean on friends instead.

"Friends are more dispensable," Haltzman said. "You can pour your heart out to a friend about a mate - commiserate - and then two days later, you and your mate are going to the Caribbean, and your friend is like 'What the hell?' But, that's part of being a friend."

ADD OR READ MORE COMMENTS

This is your column. You can help it grow! If you like "Dare to Ask," please call or e-mail your favorite newspaper or web site and urge them to start running it. It's syndicated by Universal Press.

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.