Dare to Ask: Let's say this fantasy is about you

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Girls, if you found out a guy you knew fantasized about you, would you be offended, disgusted, intrigued, flattered, don't want to know, etc.?

Jayarby, 55, male, Philadelphia

Replies

I think it would be flattering. Maybe I'm fantasizing about him, too.

Jesse, 25, New Orleans

Sex is a private matter. Just as I don't go around talking about what my wife and I did when we made love the last time, I don't think it's appropriate to discuss what you do [in private] - unless such discussion is for a medical/therapeutic nature. I also think it would be disrespectful to my wife for the guy to even want to tell me.

S.R., 49, bisexual female, New Alexandria, Pa.

Expert says

We thought and thought about whether we should feature this question, then put it out of our minds, then thought about it some more, then felt weird about it, then couldn't help ourselves from focusing on it, then felt slightly guilty, then kept dwelling on it, then stopped, then were dangerously inattentive in traffic, then felt the need for counseling.

So it was time to ring up Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist and co-author of Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women's Sexual Fantasies. Her Web site is www.HealthySex.com.

Basically, she says a girl's reaction to finding out a dude fantasizes about her depends on: the nature of her relationship to the dude (co-worker, friend or car mechanic?); whether she likes the dude; the status of both parties (single, dating someone, or married?); and how she found out.

"In general, I think if she didn't know the person well, a woman would be pretty suspicious about this . . . it's a very private thing to share. There's a sense of breaking through a social etiquette or barrier, and it could be interpreted as sexual harassment [at work]."

However, it's often the circumstances that govern the reaction:

"For example, if you heard through the grapevine that someone fantasized about you, it's more like finding out they have a sexual interest in you," Maltz said. "The question [above] implies that the fantasizing is more than a burp or onetime thing, which is like hearing that someone finds you hot. It would again depend on if she's attracted to the guy. It could be creepy if she finds him creepy in general."

Research shows that men's fantasies are often more visual, explicit and related to specific acts and body parts, while women's are typically more sensually oriented and focused on relationship dynamics - although more young women are now having "hotter" fantasies driven by a culture that offers up more sexually graphic images, Maltz said.

In a porn-saturated world where women are often objectified, they can be wary of any man fantasizing or gawking, she added. But knowing the person, feeling safe about them and being in an appropriate situation make a difference.

"Females who feel confident about themselves sexually may say, 'Cool, someone thinks I'm hot - I hope you enjoyed yourself.' "

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.