DARE TO ASK: Should we thank them for service?

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

If I am in a situation where I am with a serviceperson who is a stranger to me, should I initiate a handshake or thanks? Is this expected of me?

Ben, Seattle

Replies

I have thanked many service men and women because I feel very appreciative for their service. I am quick with the gratitude and won't interrupt a conversation to do it. I've never seen anyone else do it before, so I'm glad there are those who let these brave people know they are appreciated. It might brighten their day a little to have someone thank them while waiting in a line.

Cathy, 42, Jacksonville

I was in the U.S. Navy more than 20 years. During the first 10, we were generally ignored (post-Vietnam years), and that was fine with me. My remaining years (post-Desert Storm) were just the opposite. I was frequently thanked or congratulated for my service. I found this to be embarrassing and off-putting. Of course I've known many Squids (what sailors call other sailors) who thoroughly enjoyed the attention. So I'd say give it a shot, but don't feel you have to express your appreciation. Just saying "hi" would be cool.

Scott, 43, Long Beach, Calif.

Expert says

Sarah Smiley, who writes the popular syndicated column "Shore Duty" about her life as a military spouse, recalls an incident in a grocery store when she was living in Jacksonville, trying to make a go of it with two young children while her husband was deployed.

It seems she had 12 items in the 10-item checkout line.

"And this woman behind me starts yelling, giving me a hard time. When I got out into the parking lot I had to laugh when I saw her big 'I Support The Troops' sticker on her bumper."

Smiley's point: Choose your words and actions carefully when around strangers - servicepeople included - because you never know what someone might be going through.

Though it's a cliche, most military people aren't seeking attention and tend to focus more on a team mentality, said Smiley, also the author of Going Overboard: The Misadventures of a Military Wife (Penguin).

Many appreciate the thank-yous, and some even enjoy the cheers they get in airports, but others do get embarrassed by such attention, she said.

"And in extended conversations, some people say stuff without thinking, like 'Gosh I'm so bummed, I have to leave my family on business.' Well, a serviceperson might miss like six months, a child's birthday and more. So it's good for people to stay sensitive," said Smiley, whose husband, Dustin, is a Navy lieutenant.

Another pointer: Thank-yous are nice; helping hands are even nicer.

"No one's going to get mad if your gratitude is sincere, but small actions go a long way, too. For example, even with me, when my husband was deployed, my neighbor in Jacksonville would always mow my lawn, and I never had to ask. I can't tell you how much something like that means."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information. For Dare to Ask podcasts, go to Jacksonville.com keyword: milano.