Dare to Ask: Make me a match, find me a find ...

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

I wonder why every time I read about a Jewish person, the sentence always has to contain "nice." For instance, on (former History Channel host) Josh Bernstein: He's a "nice Jewish boy from New York." Or (Comedy Central's) Sarah Silverman: a "nice Jewish girl from Connecticut." You never read "Josh Holloway (Sawyer on ABC's Lost) is a nice Baptist boy from Georgia."

Sharon, Keystone Heights

Replies

If a Jew dated a Gentile, the mother would say, "Can't you find a nice Jewish boy (or girl)?" This comes from concerns that if Jews intermarry, it will lead to the end of Jewish culture. So every Jewish boy and girl is urged to find a "nice Jewish" mate. the phrase stuck and is used for many other reasons now.

Mark, 52, white, New York

They may be subtly knocking the stereotype of the Jewish mother so often seen on TV exhorting her son/daughter to find a "nice Jewish girl/boy" to settle down with.

S.S.R., 49, white female, Pennsylvania

It's an in-group joke based on the whole "why can't you find a nice Jewish girl/boy to marry, bubbie?" Jewish mother stereotype. It's especially ironic in the case of Sarah Silverman, who isn't a "nice" anything.

A., 40, white female, Mo.

Expert says

Hmmm, let's think about this . . . "Josh Bernstein: a bad Jewish boy from New York." "Sarah Silverman: a naughty Jewish girl from Connecticut (actually, New Hampshire)." They have a nice, edgy ring to them, don't they? Remind us to speed-dial these folks' publicists, pronto.

The word "nice" before "Jewish" does have its roots in match-making of old, said Deborah Grayson Riegel, head coach for MyJewishCoach.com, which helps Jewish people achieve personal and professional "Success without the Tsuris [aggravation]."

"It's a catchall to describe a sense of familiarity, instant connections, trustworthiness - that you can count on them," she said. "In dating, it can also mean they are going to contribute emotionally and financially to the relationship. With a 'nice Jewish boy or girl,' you'll get the goals of the relationship met financially and emotionally."

In a job search, "nice" means the potential employer will handle things "in a warm, Jewish feel-goody way," Riegel said. "There is an assumption it will be filled with 'nice Jewish people.' It's a lot about shared traditions and a sense that Jews take care of their own."

It's not about leaving others out, it's just the way Jews might express a universal sentiment, she said. Josh Holloway may not be called a "nice Baptist boy," but someone might peg him as a "normal Baptist boy" and mean the same thing.

The word "nice" isn't exclusive to Jewish people, of course, but it resonates in the community, Riegel said.

"You don't hear about a 'nice Jewish boy' or 'nice Italian' who screwed everything up. It's someone who gets goals met without hurting other people."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.