DARE TO ASK: Good rules for helping the disabled

By PHILLIP MILANO, The Times-Union

Question

Is it appropriate to hold the door or go out of my way to help an individual in a wheelchair?

Joe M., Sioux Falls, S.D.

Replies

My girlfriend, a wheelchair user, says to wait to be asked if you're a stranger. Spontaneous pushing of a wheelchair is invasive and sometimes very frightening.

Andy B., 27, St. Albans, United Kingdom

It is annoying and rude when people try to do things for me. It's as if they think that just because I am disabled, I am in need of help. I have seen people ask able-bodied people [for help], so why not give the disabled person the same courtesy? Of course, if you and the disabled person are going in at the same time, hold the door open so your toes don't get rolled over.

Luticha, 21, paralyzed, Fairport, N.Y.

I think it's important to remember the Golden Rule in this situation. If you were in a wheelchair, would you want someone to open a door for you? I certainly would. I used to volunteer at a camp for handicapped children and teens, and one of the exercises they had us do was to sit in a wheelchair and try to navigate through normal situations such as opening doors. Let me tell you, it's not easy. It's always better to do the "nice" thing, and if the person misconstrues it, let that be on their head.

Christy, Jacksonville

Expert says

If you're going to try and be nice to someone in a wheelchair, don't do what a person did to Ms. Wheelchair America 2005.

"He opened the main door for me to go into a building -- I was heading in and he was heading out," said Juliette Rizzo. "The problem was there was a second set of doors inside, but this person didn't offer to open them, so I sat in between until someone came along to open the next set. They looked at me and wondered what I was doing there."

Such goof-ups aside, most people want to do the right thing, and that's good, said Rizzo, who lives in Maryland and works for the U.S. Department of Edu- cation. They should relax and be themselves, but they should remember that people with disabilities are the best judges of what they can and cannot do.

"I find it respectful when people ask [if she wants help]. I was recently at a huge banquet in Atlanta, and the woman next to me said, 'I am aware you can do a lot of things, but should you need some help, I'm a helpful individual and am happy to do so.' She didn't force herself on me or start to cut my food. She just extended an offer of help to a partner at the table. We want to be treated as independent people."

And, not to go too far off tangent (we are on the subject of helping out), don't dawdle if you have no disability but are using the wheelchair stall in a public restroom, says Brewster Thackeray, consultant to the National Organization on Disability.

"Someone who is disabled may come along and need it."

Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers, or mail to Phillip Milano, c/o The Florida Times-Union, P.O. Box 1949, Jacksonville, FL 32231. Include contact information.