Dare to Ask: No wave or smile from a white driver?

By Phillip Milano

Question

It used to be you could get a smile and wave from your fellow driver regardless of color, but now it seems if the person pulling up beside me is white, they purposefully turn their heads away ("Eek! A black!"). Especially white guys - if they're trying to "check me out," if they see me looking back, it's "Oops it's a Negro," and they accelerate away. Am I trying to read too much into this?

Pamela, black, Jacksonville

Replies

It could be they are afraid of being perceived as doing the wrong thing, and then getting attacked. With all the diversity training I get at work, it makes me think three times before I ask any question of a black man or woman, out of fear of legal entanglements.

Burt, 48, Irvine, Calif.

I can't say it's so good in Connecticut, either. But I promise that if you're a good-looking woman of any color (or age) driving around me, I'll be scoping you out with appreciation.

Chris, Windsor, Conn.

I have found black/white relations to be much better since the election of Obama. I noticed by the day after the election that blacks returned my smiles when perhaps in the past they hadn't. I don't know Jacksonville, but perhaps this historic election has had the opposite effect there.

Dot, white, Los Angeles

White people do that to everyone. It doesn't matter what race you are. Try waving hello first and see how they respond. If they don't wave back, it doesn't make them a racist, just a jerk.

Matt, Baltimore

Expert says

Sociology professor Barbara Trepagnier, who is white, has done many focus groups in her home about racism with white people who don't think they're racist. You have to admire a high-squirm threshold. Not that we'd beeline outta there for the kitchen every few minutes pretending to get more mayo for the sandwiches, but we'd be tempted.

One thing she found was that some white folks said they felt anxious around black people - primarily black women - who they felt just didn't like them.

"They felt that they won't go out of their way to be friendly, unless a white person is friendly first," said Trepagnier, a professor at Texas State University-San Marcos and author of "Silent Racism: How Well-Meaning White People Perpetuate the Racial Divide."

Keep in mind it's their perception, she noted - just as Pamela's question above is based on her perception and can't be stated as an overall fact or trend just yet.

But, if our questioner is on to something, it may be because of two things, Trepagnier said: One, the initial "bump" of interracial goodwill over Obama's election has worn off, or two, white people are just nervous.

"If it's about people upset that Obama is our president, that's a kind of racism that's been repressed for a long time," she said.

"There may be that suspicion that something is going to get taken away from us. That fear got louder at the health care town halls. It breaks my heart."

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Phillip Milano, author of I Can't Believe You Asked That! (Perigee), moderates cross-cultural dialogue at Y? The National Forum on People's Differences. Visit www.yforum.com to submit questions and answers. Send general column comments to phillip.milano@jacksonville.com. You can also hear his podcasts or watch his TV spots.